Happy belated new year and whatnot to you!

It’s been ages since I last wrote anything here and I sincerely apologise for the delay. I haven’t been particularly busy or anything, so I don’t really have a valid reason for not writing, but what the heck. As usual I write down whatever news or updates I have at the moment. As this isn’t read often or by that many, if this is your first time here, it may feel somewhat like reading a diary. I’m totally fine with that, since I use blogging as a means of letting feelings and thoughts out.

I haven’t given you any updates since October last year, and since then I’ve been to Benestad 2 times. I suppose a lot has happened since then. When I went in November we actually agreed on the possibility for me to start on HRT etc. We also agreed on that I had a couple of things to work on, such as presenting myself more often as a woman, practicing on my behaviours and so forth. I was happy with all of this and traveled on my merry way back home.
Some days went by and I started hanging out with a new group of friends. I have no idea why, but I guess I wanted to get to know other people than my usual click, if you get what I mean. Actually I do know why I started to hang out with new people, it was simply because one of them, this one girl managed to pique my curiosity. Without going into details nothing more has happened with said girl. The reason I brought it up is because of the repercussions it has lead to.

So far in my screwed up life, I’ve been interested/infatuated with different girls 3 major times. All of which times it haven’t lead to anything more than friendship . That is fine by me, it’s the second best choice, but obviously also the worst possible outcome. I have no idea why I actually brought that up, because it’s actually moot, but oh well. What I was going to say, is that this girl managed to make me forget all about what I’ve been struggling with for the past years. And let me tell you, that is something I’ve never experienced before. It was a totally unknown feeling for me and what it did to me was weird even for me. There’s been a long time since I last looked forward to waking up the next day, but she managed to make me feel happy. Even though it was only for  a short time, but I’m glad it happened. I don’t think she’ll ever know, or realise what she made me feel, but if you ever come across this post for god knows whatever reason, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Now, over to the more major things I’ve been thinking about due to this and that, I was back in Grimstad this tuesday and had another talk with Benestad. I told him about what had happened and so forth and that I’ve started to question whether I’d chosen the right path for myself after all, and he also believes that this was a good thing on my part. After talking for about 45 minutes or so, we both agreed that we wouldn’t meet again unless I suddenly change my mind about the decision I’ve chosen for now. Now you might wonder, or you may have already guessed what I’ve chosen. It’s not a big secret really. But based on the things that happened in the past month or so, I’ve decided that for the time being, I’ll continue as I am. Trying to discern what I feel about it all and what I possibly can be comfortable with. All I can say for the time being is that right now, while I’m sitting here writing this post and thinking about it, I’m not feeling sad about the decision. That’s a good sign right ?

I’m not so conceited to believe that I can just toss away what I’ve been thinking and what I’ve done for the last couple of years. It’ll always be a part of who or what I am. I’m not ashamed of it, nor do I feel embarassed about it. All I really wish for right here and right now, is a woman who would be able to love me for who I am. The whole package. Even my flaws, which are considerably big. I’m not a big masculine guy, I never will be either. But I hope that my unique perspective on things and my loving nature beneath all the layers of seriousness, dullness and general lack of social antennas, will shine through one day.