Hi again my dear reader!

Its been a long time, yet again, since I updated you about whats been going on and I feel that its about time now. A lot of stuff has happened, well not really but I still have some news (if you could call it that) to get you up to date. Since August I’ve been visiting a psychologist and I’ve been visiting him about every month. My last visit was two days ago and I’m not going back. That was my choice by the way. The reason you might ask is because I don’t feel I’m being taken as seriously as I feel I should be. He seems to be quite fixated on interpreting me as only being depressed, and that’s his explanation for my thoughts regarding my gender, for so many years. I don’t quite feel that is the case, and that’s one of many reasons why I don’t want to go to back anymore. In addition he seems opposed to the thought of people who claim to be transsexual and who’s not interested in men, but who am i to judge other peoples opinions. He also liked to spend the consultation time with talking about how the place where I live used to be back in the days and quite frankly, if I’m interested in the local history I’ll talk with my grandpa, which also is free and more fun.

He also wrote a evaluation of me to my doctor that I’m only a depressed kiddo with a good imagination.. quite “fun” to read after spending some time with him. In the end of his letter he classified me as F64.1.

F64.1 Transvestism

The need for, and joy,when dressed as the opposite sex, but without any desire for more permanent sex change or surgical sex conversion, and without sexual arousal is the primary in connection with dressing like that.
Includes: gender identity disorder in childhood and adolescence, non-transsexual type

Now about each and every session he’s asked me whether I want, or desire hormone treatment and I’ve answered him yes each and every time. But clearly he isn’t listening if he’s defining me as a F64.1 case. He also kept asking me if I had the need to exhibit myself to others in my community to receive some kind of gratitude from the transvestite/crossdressing community. I can tell you right away that I’m not and never has been interested in that. Other questions I feel he repeatedly has asked me is if I don’t feel any kind of regret by the thought of cutting away my “jewels”. No, I don’t. He was also very persistent on saying that I should think about it a little longer, like 5-10 more years before I decide. But then I just feel kind of angry, because as I’ve tried to explain to him this isn’t a thought I got on a whim. It’s something I’ve been thinking about since I was starting puberty! That’s well over 12 years now! Like, does he really think that I haven’t thought about, done research on this matter, the consequences and impact it’ll have on my body ? I remember I was adviced to go to this psychologist by another one in a nearby town, because he wasn’t available in at least 6 months. I’m not so sure if it was worth it at all. I mean he only seems to try and talk me out of it.  That I should continue on as I am and rather work on or focus on being contempt and “happy”. A reason would be that society doesn’t make it easy for subjects like me, but hey… like I didn’t know that before I consulted him ? I went there because I needed a recommendation for a proper evaluation at the ONLY institute which can actually help me in Norway. GAWD…

Sorry about that. I just had to vent a little.  My plan for now is to spend some time to consider what I’d like to do from here. I think that getting a recommendation for a proper evaluation would be good for me either way and I know that it’ll take a couple of months to even get that. While waiting for that I get some time to think anyway. But I haven’t decided 100% yet so I’m still in a thinking phase. It’s been a awfully long thinking phase, but it’s not something you rush into head first without serious consideration either. For the past few months I have after all had quite a lot of time to think about it all and get to think a bit about what I’m feeling, right now.  And right now I feel that I’m somewhere in between. I feel that I can live on with my life, happily even, if I find a person whom I can share myself and my time with. I know, it’s pretty lame and stereotypical I suppose, but that’s just how I work. But that’s also one of my problems I suppose. How long am I gonna wait until I find someone before I decide to give up on that thought ? Will I ever give up on the thought ? I’m not sure at all.

All I know is that I should find an answer as soon as possible, even though it’s something I shouldn’t rush into. Either way just getting a end to all of this would be great. I know that I’ve shared a lot of what I’ve written here with you before, so sorry for that. 😉