Lately I’ve been bothered with having a hard time sleeping. 🙁 Mainly because I’ve been back in the thinking corner of my mind. It happens from time to time, though it’s been a fairly long time since I last was this depressed.

If you’ve read my page about me, then you know that I haven’t taken the next step which means HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) treatment and eventually SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery). That’s what my mind has been stuck on for some time now, whether I should go for that next step or just let it be. It’s led to countless nights without sleep and quite frankly, it wears me out.

It’s something I’ve been thinking about for I don’t know how many years now, sometimes I manage to brush it away almost  immediately, other times (such as this) it’s not so easy. It usually takes alot of time and now it’s taken a couple of months. I’ve had a chat with my aunt about it and also other friends I talk with. My aunt have tried to encourage me to at least contact the clinic for SRT treatment in Norway, now called SfT. Though I’d like to, I’m still reluctant to do it. I’ve read and heard of horror stories by their lack of understanding and failure to look past the hardcoded medical books. That doesn’t bode well with me. While I fully understand why they have to be strict about it (it’s a lifechanging treatment, no turning back), I still feel they should try and show some empathy towards their patients. Though as much as I hate it, I have to admit that it’s probably the only safe choice I have. I’ve read up a little bit on self medication, but the risks involved does not seem to be worth it. It’s my life we’re talking about here after all.

So what I’m left with are still the same old complicated feelings. I wanna start on HRT, but reluctant to do it. There are some other reasons for that.

  1. I’d like to have kids.
  2. I don’t wanna give up the social network I have and family relations
  3. Rumors.

1. Now this shouldn’t really be a problem in Norway at least, since we are allowed to adopt children. But when I mean I’d like to have kids, I’d like it to be my lineage. It may be kind of silly since I was adopted myself, but hey. It’s what I want. I could probably save some semen in a bank and do it that way though.

2. Now I doubt that I’ll lose that much of my social network if I decide to take the next step. I have already told almost all family members and all my friends whom I really care about know it and accept me for who I am.  That’s very good to know if I decide to continue my journey.

3. This is one of the biggest factors. I live in a small place, 20.000 people. It might sound like it’s a decent amount of random people, but truthfully it feels like you know everyone. In some way or another people here always know who you are, what you’ve been up to and what not. In addition the rumor mill here can be quite tough. I suppose the way around it would be to move some place else where there are less chances for being the topic the following day.  And yes, I see the irony with that plan, since I’d eventually find my way back here and then rumors would start anyway. I think I’ll continue for a little longer to see how things goes and I might see a doctor in the meantime to get aid with a diagnosis.

I would greatly appreciate any tips or thoughts which are relevant in any way at all. 🙂 Slowly my head is getting back together and so is my heart.